BattleCat Coffee Bar

BattleCat coffee bar is a funky little coffee shop in West Asheville, not like one of those sketchy places in Mexico that fights cute furry little creatures- as the name would suggest. It’s right off the freeway so if you’re a space cadet like me that can’t find anything even with two GPS’s, and gets lost in their own apartment complex- don’t fret- I promise you’ll find it. It’s right off the main drag and has a cute little multicolored sign which would indicate it’s gay friendly, maybe. If you’re concerned about a transgender bathroom this might make or break the place for you... I (on the other hand), have been using the men’s bathroom for years when I don’t feel like waiting in line, so could give two shits (no pun intended) what the sign on the door says.




Anyway; don’t let the millennials with purple hair and seven piercings scare you off; they’re too busy with their nose in a Mac Book that their parents bought them anyway. Parking isn’t too bad, but you might have to parallel- ; no one really cares if you have to pull an eight point turn to make it into a spot. Just don’t pull a “Clementine” where you rear end the eighty thousand dollar Mercedes parked in front of you and storm off while shouting and crying- then people out front might actually stare. The baristas at BattleCat are all super friendly, they don’t seem to care if you wander over from the community acupuncture place next door and stare at the menu for like two minutes in a semi catatonic state. The inside is cute and cozy; you almost feel like you’re sitting in your Grandmas living room that time she lost her mind and starting painting and putting up eclectic artwork everywhere. 


The lavender vanilla latte was just the right amount of sweet, definitely not a gross sugar overload. Same with the lemon poppy seed muffin, just the right amount of scrumptious sweetness and super fresh to boot. Their togo hot coffee cups are charming with the BattleCat logo on them- plus; if you pull a Sybil and forget where you’ve been all day it will help you retrace your steps.



I think my favorite thing about this place is that they actually have real spoons to stir your coffee; not those wasteful wooden coffee stirrers like those basic bitches at Starbucks. Oh; and make sure you put your used spoon in the busboy bin, don’t leave it on the counter you self entitled asshole. 



Bring cash- you get a discount if you don’t use your card. In fact; Bring extra cash because they’ve got adorable T-shirts and stickers with the BattleCat logo on it; plus local art for sale that isn’t ridiculously expensive and is super unique and equally adorable. 


I’m not sure if you get a discount on the merch too- but whatever. Don't be a douche canoe and “forget” to tip the people behind the counter; it’s 2018 and that’s the polite thing to do you cheap loser. Smoking is permitted on the patio; which I find to be nostalgic.



If you’re a pussy and always complain to everyone about your “allergies” or “asthma”, just sit inside and stop whining. Want to spice up you’re life without spending a few grand on a trip to Vegas..?  Try one of their “Thai iced coffees” Broke? Grab a “dollar Debbie” from the basket by the counter. (I would assume that means the little Debbie’s are only a dollar, but hey- I’m no fucking mind reader.)



BattleCat is great for relaxing and reading a book, lunch with a friend, or working on your pathetic memoir about how you’re traumatized by your pet dog dying when you were six. In all seriousness, I would move into BattleCat if I could - but businesses usually frown on indoor glamping (as I like to call it) or “squatting” (if you want to get all “technical”). Overall, I would give BattleCat two thumbs up. Tip; if it’s a super hot day- order an Italian soda.

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