Clean Juice

Clean juice is a cutesy little place in the heart of Biltmore Park. Make sure you use your GPS to get there, so you don’t circle around the village six times looking like a serial killer on the hunt. Or better yet, look for the big white telling sign on the side of the building that says “organic”. There’s plenty of parking so your fat ass doesn’t have to walk too far. God forbid anyone wanting to score a convenient fresh juice might actually have to wander more than .2 miles from their car.

When I first walked into “Clean Juice” I was a little taken back, as there were like eight million young moms in their yoga pants. Not only that, the super clean sterile environment reminded me a bit of the juice places in San Diego, and that alone almost gave me PTSD (no, I don’t want to talk about it). 

But, I took a deep breath and tried to look past all of that. I was on a mission for a carrot bowl I had seen on their Instagram weeks ago. Right when I thought I was on the brink of a mental breakdown, one of the friendly looking girls behind the counter smiled and waved, which made the place way more inviting. Also, I was determined to give it a try, because no one gawked at the copious amounts of boob sweat that had accumulated on my tank top from the pure barre class that I took at the Biltmore Y just prior to my expedition to Clean Juice. I almost bolted to the door and ran back to my compact car when I saw the prices, but I didn’t want to look like a sociopath (or a cheap piece of shit), so choked on my pride and ordered a ‘carrot cake bowl’ that I’d been mulling over for way too long.

I was disappointed once again to overhear one of the girls behind the counter tell the lady next to me that the store was a chain (I’m one of those real big assholes that likes to think things in their city are really super special, and exist no where else in the world), regardless- the fact that they have a “rewards program” made up for it (download their app, and apparently you get some pretty sweet deals). I really wanted to save my carrot bowl for later; since I’m a weird fat slob that prefers to eat alone- so the nice girl behind the counter gave me specific instructions on how to preserve my order- until, that is, I devoured it in an unnatural fit of hunger. The carrot bowl itself was way bigger than expected so it took away some of that sticker shock that I initially had; it actually could be a whole meal in itself. 

My carrot bowl looked so good, I couldn’t stop staring at it- like a creepy stalker that has finally found their prey; but I hadn’t got a spoon to go; so it would have to sit shotgun for twenty minutes while I salivated over it. I *almost* took off the lid and reached in to scoop out some with my hand, but didn’t want the guys working next door at Orvis (the fishing store), to think I was insane. God forbid I got carted off the the funny farm (again), and didn’t get to eat my lunch. I almost ran a couple big rigs off the road on my way home- whilst gazing at the carrot bowl, damn the clear top of the container, "how dare you tempt me!" I shouted while weaving through traffic so I could get home as quickly as possible to satisfy my taste buds. I was really looking forward to devouring this bowl, but was a little leary because it only had 400 calories. Like, at 400 calories, how good could it really taste, I thought to myself.

The carrot bowl was calling my name, and I couldn’t wait much longer; so as soon as I got home I grabbed a spoon and tasted it. The carrot cake bowl was both sweet and salty, chewy, melty and crunchy all at the same time, I felt like Veruca Salt without the creepy guy that reminded me of a pedophile following me around (Willy Wonka). It tasted so much like a gourmet carrot cake (sans all the fat and calories), I almost wanted to cry. I had satiated my sweet tooth in healthy ways I’ve never experienced before. I’m pretty sure the bowl was vegan too, but to be perfectly honest; I probably would have consumed it anyway even if it did have an elephant fat base. Truth be told; if I wasn’t poor I’d totally go there more often; but if you can afford an eight dollar and fifty cent juice, then have at it. And don’t forget to sign up for their reward card sally. I give ‘Clean Juice’ two thumbs up. Check it out (but just be sure to wear yoga pants and bring a baby so you blend in).

Check Out Clean Juice's Insta Here

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